The All-New Muppet Show/Episode 122 transcript
Prologue: The Guest Star's dressing room Scooter: On Door 5 Times "(Guest Star's Name), oh, (Guest Star's Name), 13 2nds 'til curtian, Mr. (Guest Star's Last Name)." Guest Star: "Thanks a bunch, Scooter, I'll be with you guys in a jiffy." Scooter: "Why are you dressed up like your character, Captain Jack Sparrow from the Pirates of the Carribean movie series?" Guest Star: "I'm just trying this costume on." Cut to Kermit appearing through The All-New Muppet Show logo........ Kermit: "It's The All-New Muppet Show with our very special guest star, Mr. Johnny Depp, yaaaay!" [The All New Muppet Show Theme Music In Background] Playing Music On Piano Female Muppet friends: It's time to play the music, it's time to light the lights, it's time to meet the Muppets on The All-New Muppet Show tonight Male Muppet friends: it's time to put on make up, it's time to dress up right, it's time to raise the curtain on The All-New Muppet Show tonight Waldorf: why do we always come here? Statler: I guess we'll never know Waldorf: it's like some kind of torture Statler: to have to watch the show Continues In Background Kermit: and now let's get things started Miss Piggy: why don't you get things started Kermit and Muppet friends: it's time to get things started on the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, Muppetational, this is what we call The All-New Muppet Show..... Wailing Scene 1: Onstage/the introduction Kermit: "Thank you, everybody and welcome again to The All-New Muppet Show, we got everything perfect for tonight 'cause tonight's guest star is Mr. (Guest Star's Name), but 1st, we have an opening musical number." Gonzo: "Hey, Kermit, just for you to know, (Guest Star's 1st Name)'s got a magic spell book." Fozzie: "Yeah right, you'd better be super careful with those books." Kermit: "Thanks for telling me that, you guys, (he turns right over to the entire audience), so anyway, here's the Electric Mayhem band for the opening musical number." Opening Musical Number: Ticket to Ride Electric Mayhem band members: Music Perfectly Dr. Teeth: I think I'm gonna be sad I think it's today Animal: yeah Floyd: the girl that's drivin' me mad is goin' away Janice: she's got a ticket to ride she's got a ticket to ri-hi-hide she's got a ticket to ride but she don't care Zoot: she said that livin' with me is bringin' her down Animal: yeah Zoot: for she would never be free when I was around Dr. Teeth: she's got a ticket to ride she's got a ticket to ri-hi-hide she's got a ticket to ride but she don't care Floyd: I don't know why she's ridin' so high she oughta think twice she oughta do right by me. before she gets to sayin' goodbye she oughta think twice, she oughta do right by me Zoot: I think I'm gonna be sad I think it's today Animal: yeah Dr. Teeth: the girl that's drivin' me mad is goin' away Animal: yeah Janice: she's got a ticket to ride she's got a ticket to ri-hi-hide she's got a ticket to ride but she don't care Dr. Teeth: I don't know why she's ridin' so high she oughta think twice she oughta do right by me. before she gets to sayin' goodbye she oughta think twice, she oughta do right by me Floyd: she said that livin' with me is bringin' her down Animal: yeah Floyd: for she would never be free when I was around Animal: yeah Janice: she's got a ticket to ride she's got a ticket to ri-hi-hide she's got a ticket to ride but she don't care Dr. Teeth: my baby don't care Floyd: my baby don't care Janice: my baby don't care Zoot: my baby don't care Dr. Teeth: my baby don't care Zoot: my baby don't care....... Cut to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony......... Statler: "I wish I had a ticket to catch a train ride." Waldorf: "And I'' wish I had a ticket to catch a charter bus myself." Statler: "A ticket to get outta here!" Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably Cut back to Kermit in his office backstage...... Kermit: "Let's see what's next, (he looks right at the list.) oh, Bear on Patrol is next, Bear on Patrol is next onstage, everybody." Bear on Patrol sketch number: Pulling down the fire alarm Announcer: "And now, ridding the world of evil, here's Bear on Patrol." Fozzie/Patrol Bear: "Alright, you 2, just a little bit more, perfect." Link Hogthrob/Officer Hogthrob: "Now what seems to be the trouble this time, Patrol Bear?" Fozzie/Patrol Bear: "These 2 pig brothers have been caught red handed for pulling down the fire alarm." Link Hogthrob/Officer Hogthrob: "Oh yeah, I see, tell me your names, please." Andy: "I'm Andy, and this is Randy, my twin brother." Randy: "We would never pull down the fire alarm unless of course it's a super big emergency." Link Hogthrob/Officer Hogthrob: "Let me check the guilty and innocent list just to make sure." Link Hogthrob/Officer Hogthrob checks the innocent list and finds Andy and Randy's names written on here. Link Hogthrob/Officer Hogthrob: "Well, Andy and Randy, it looks like you're both innocent after all, okay, Patrol Bear, you can let them go right now." Fozzie/Patrol Bear: "Yes, Officer Hogthrob, sir." Cut to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony again...... Waldorf: "I hope Andy and Randy are innocent pig brothers." Statler: "Andy and Randy should dance it off to country rock music on the stereo." Waldorf: "What a powerful ''way to spend the entire weekend!" Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably Again Talk Spot Kermit: "So, (Guest Star's 1st Name), tell me, what movies have you starred in before in your entire life?" Guest Star: "Well, Kermit, I starred as Captain Jack Sparrow in the Pirates of the Carribean movie series and I also starred as the 2nd Willy Wonka in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory back in 2005 as well." Kermit: "Oh wow, that's a lot of good movies just to name a few of them." Scooter shows up during their conversation with 1 another. Scooter: "Hey, (Guest Star's 1st Name), how's that magic spell book coming along?" Guest Star: "It's coming along nicely, Scooter, in fact, there's 1 of these magic spells I know exactly how to do." Scooter: "What's that?" Guest Star: "Ogilly, bogilly, togilly." Scooter is now transformed into a werewolf. Guest Star: "It worked, it finally worked." Werewolf Scooter: "Hey, I'm a werewolf, what's going on around here? I can't let anybody see me like this for my entire life!" Werewolf Scooter runs off to hide in his dressing room. Kermit: "Scooter, wait, come back, don't make everything worse by running away like that!" The Swedish Chef sketch number: ice cream sandwiches Swedish Chef: Yorn desh born, der ritt de gitt der gue, orn desh, dee born desh, de umn bork, bork, bork Swedish Chef: "Tuneeght, it's teeme-a tu meke-a ice-a creem sundveeches, yoommy guud, yuoo bet." Swedish Chef: "Furst, ve-a get oooot oone-a peper plete." The Swedish Chef gets out 1 paper plate and puts it right on his counter. Swedish Chef: "Next, ve-a get oooot fuoor tup und buttum chuculete grehem creckers und poot zeem reeght oon zee peper plete." The Swedish Chef gets out 4 top and bottom chocolate graham crackers and puts them right on the paper plate. Swedish Chef: "Next, poot 1 sleece-a ooff Neepuleetun ice-a creem ceke oon zee buttum perts ooff zee chuculete grehem creckers." The Swedish Chef puts 1 slice of Neapolitan ice cream cake on the bottom parts of the chocolate graham crackers. Swedish Chef: "Und lest boot nut leest, poot zee tup chuculete grehem creckers oon zee Neepuleetun ice-a creem perts." The Swedish Chef puts the top chocolate graham crackers on the Neapolitan ice cream parts. Swedish Chef: "Und zeere-a yuoo hefe-a it, ice-a creem sundveeches humemede." The ice cream sandwiches begin tap dancing on the entire paper plate. Swedish Chef: "Vhet zee hey?" Cut to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony again........ Statler: "I used to work with an ice cream maker back in my younger years." Waldorf: "I'' worked at a milkshake place myself." Statler: "Don't let your ice cream dream vision ''melt away!" Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably Again Cut back to Kermit in his office backstage again....... Kermit: "Pigs in Space is next, Pigs in Space is next onstage, everybody." Pigs in Space sketch number: Invisibility Device Announcer: "And now it's time for Pigs in Spaaaace, starring Captain Link Hogthrob, 1st Mate Piggy and the wise cracking scientific genius, Dr. Strangepork, where we last left our heroes aboard the Swine Trek." Link Hogthrob: "Oh gee, it sure is boring around here." Miss Piggy/1st Mate Piggy: "Another day, another invention from Dr. Strangepork." Dr. Strangepork: "Hey, you guys, check out my new invention: the Invisibility Device." Link Hogthrob: "What's it used for, Dr. Strangepork?" Dr. Strangepork: "It's used for invisibility purposes, it can turn everything and everybody invisible." Dr. Strangepork uses the Invisibility Device on Link Hogthrob and Miss Piggy/1st Mate Piggy which makes them completely invisible. Dr. Strangepork: "And there you have it." Invisible Link Hogthrob: "Hey, what's going around here?!?" Invisible Miss Piggy/1st Mate Piggy: "We became invisible!" Dr. Strangepork: "I know just what to do to make them visible again." Link Hogthrob and MIss Piggy/1st Mate Piggy are now visible again. Link Hogthrob: "Finally, we're visible again." Miss Piggy/1st Mate Piggy: "What a relief." Announcer: "Will Dr. Strangepork ever keep up the good work? will Link Hogthrob ever keep track of time? does 1st Mate Piggy know where this is going? find out on the next exciting episode of Pigs in Spaaaace." Cut to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony again......... Statler: "I wish the entire audience was invisible." Waldorf: "I'' wish I had invisible ointment myself" Statler: "Good, 'cause then we won't be ''seen again!" Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably Again Cut back to Kermit in his office backstage again......... Kermit: "Veterinarian's Hospital is next, Veterinarian's Hospital is next onstage, everybody." Veterinarian's Hospital sketch number: Gonzo as the patient Announcer: "And now, Veterinarian's Hospital, the continuing story of a quack whose gone to the dogs." Rowlf/Dr. Bob: "And so I was walkin' along the docks at the beach, then suddenly, I discovered somethin' shiny, it was a magic wishin' coin." Janice/Nurse Janice: "Oh, Dr. Bob, you and your coin jokes." Miss Piggy/Nurse Piggy: "So who's the patient this time, Dr. Bob?" Rowlf/Dr. Bob: "Behold, observe and watch." Rowlf/Dr. Bob pulls back the corner of the green quilt to reveal Gonzo as their patient. Gonzo: "Oh my heavens, what just happened here?" Miss Piggy/Nurse Piggy: "Oh my word, Gonzo, what just happened to you?" Gonzo: "I got lots of aches and pains in my arms and legs." Janice/Nurse Janice: "Well, Gonzo, that's like, you all over." Rowlf/Dr. Bob: "Don't worry about it, Gonzo, we got a super special bottle of pain killer pills that can help you out." Announcer: "Will Dr. Bob ever keep his special bottles of pain killer pills? will Nurse Piggy ever keep her hair clean? does nurse Janice think everything's working out perfectly? tune in next week when you hear Nurse Piggy say-" Miss Piggy/Nurse Piggy: "So, Dr. Bob, any word of advice for this patient?" Rowlf: "Well, Nurse Piggy, I say that he's extremely shaky." Cut to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony again....... Waldorf: "I experienced aches and pains in my shoulders before in my entire life." Statler: "I'' experienced throat irritation myself." Waldorf: "Take that right up to a ''medical degree!" Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably Again Cut back to Kermit in his office backstage again...... Kermit: "Muppet Labs is next, Muppet Labs is next onstage, everybody." Muppet Labs sketch number: Fruity Candy Maker 200 Ticking Labs Theme Music In Background Bunsen: "Dr. Bunsen Honeydew, here at Muppet Labs where the future is being made today." (Brief pause) Bunsen: "That's exactly right, we're testing out our new invention: the Fruity Candy Maker 200, have you ever been trick-or-treating on Halloween night during your child hood years? well the Fruity Candy Maker 200 is just the thing, which of course my faithful assistant, Beaker, will now demonstrate, (he turns right over to where Beaker's standing) go ahead, Beaker, push the green button and give it a go." Beaker: Mee, mee. Beaker pushes the green button and the fruity candy runts are now being perfected. Bunsen: "Observe and watch what happens." The fruity candy runts are now perfected. Beaker turns the machine right off. Bunsen: "Go ahead, Beaker, try some of the fruity candy runts, if you insist." Beaker begins eating some of the fruity candy runts. Bunsen: "He really loves them, he really loves them." Beaker begins changing from light green to bright yellow to bright orange to bright purple to bright red. Beaker: "Mee, mo, me, mo, mo, mee, mo, mee!" Bunsen: "Oh, Beaker, you're flashing brighter as always in bright rainbow colors." Bunsen: "Well unfortunately, that's all the time we have left for tonight, so join us next time at Muppet Labs where the future is being made today." Statler: "I used to experiment with gummy candy snacks in my entire life." Waldorf: "I used to experiment with M&M's myself lately." Statler: "Take a trip down to Candy Land!" Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably Again Cut back to Kermit onstage....... Kermit: "And now, ladies and gentlemen, good friends of all ages, it's time for the closing musical number." Closing musical number: The National Anthem Kermit: O say can you see by the dawn's early light Miss Piggy: what so proudly we'd hail as our twilight's last gleaming Fozzie: who’s broad stripes '' ''and bright stars through the perilous fight Scooter: o’er the ramparts we watched Newsman: we’re so gallantly streaming Swedish Chef: und zee ruckets '' ''red glere zee bumbs '' ''boorsteeng '' ''in eur Rizzo: gave proof drough de night Beauregard: that our flag was still there Gonzo: o say does that star spangled Rowlf: banner '' ''yet wave Bean: o’er the land of the free Walter: and the home Link Hogthrob: of the brave Cut back to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony once again........ Waldorf: "I'm feeling a lot more patriotic." Statler: "It's super good to be in the American ways." Waldorf: "Thank goodness for American history!" Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably Once Again Scene 2: Back onstage/the introduction Kermit: "Thanks a bunch, everybody, you were all such a wonderful audience out there, but right before we go, let's give a nice round of applause for Mr. (Guest Star's Name), yaaaay!" The Guest Star arrives out onstage. Guest Star: "Thanks a bunch, you guys, I really enjoy being on your show with all of you." Scooter shows up and is no longer a werewolf. Scooter: "Oh good news, you guys, I'm back to my original self again." Kermit: "What a relief, but we'll see you next time on The All-New Muppet Show." Category:The All-New Muppet Show season 1 transcripts